i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
