ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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