I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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