3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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