Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
