i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
