if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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