I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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