I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
