these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
