I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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