you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
