I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
