So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think people are normalizing furries
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
