Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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