Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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