Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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