put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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