Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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