I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
