Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
