In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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