there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
