He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
