i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Vodka?
Forever.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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