Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
