I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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