So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
