the condom got lost in my hair
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
