it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm like, not good at living.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
