Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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