can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
