Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
