if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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