My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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