do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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