Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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