Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
