benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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