im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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