Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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