you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
