My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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