Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
