when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
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ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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