i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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