I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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