i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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