God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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