i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
