apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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