I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm like, not good at living.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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