She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
