Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
