I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
that may or may not have been my penis.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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