A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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