I swear god or herbie drove my car home
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
