you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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